I’m not a very ‘good’ Christian according to all I have ever learned. Of late I’d rather be at home relaxing than at church, even looking at the bible makes me nauseas, the fruit of the spirit is nowhere near oozing from my life, and prayer is more a snuck in word now and then so God hears me say that I know He’s there.
We've shared a new closeness the last few years that I've been really thankful for. It doesn’t feel like he’s gone anywhere, but I'm still not carrying my part of our relationship. Where has the yielding in me gone? As you can see I ask the questions but, strangely enough, I’m not that fussed about getting to the answers. Even the desire to analyse the' why’s' is running at about 3%, and that’s on an enthusiastic day.
If I even contemplate turning it on for yet another go as a ‘desperate seeker of God’, I fear immediate suffocation. For all I know right now I could be in some deep dark hole drowning in genetic propensity to stubbornness that makes me deaf, blind and dumb to God’s rebuke and direction. But I don’t feel holed in.You may be surprised that I’m not more concerned than I am, considering the state of affairs. My poor house mate is. Sometimes I think I should be. However, there's one thing that's making the difference. It's the reason why I don’t care all that much if I ‘feel’ angry, mystified or disappointed that things aren't as I thought they'd be. In the end none of it changes the facts.
God is who He is and does what He does. He loves. He forgives. He transforms. He's there and he hears. I want Him the best I can right now and I tend to believe He knows that.
I just got a picture of me stuck in the bog of unresolved baggage, with the wheels stuck deep. Years of spinning them, trying to 'work' myself out, has worn me out. Now I just wait in the open space I know in my spirit, aware of the greatness of God just outside my everyday emotional experience.
One day he'll either pull me out or He'll see to opening my ears, eyes and mind to the way out that's been there all along.
3 people's thoughts:
When I feel down and depressed I don't feel like seeing my friends (or anyone!) Yet I have found that the more I make an effort to see them the more encouraged, loved, less hopeless, and even sometimes just more distracted from myself and my issues I feel. Seeing them and talking with them enables them to find out and help me as well as give me another opinion from someone who isn't surrounded by the mire I find myself in. Just maybe if we take the time to share these things with God we also give him the opportunity to help us back on track and find a new perspective.
Thanks Matt... glad you actually said something this time.
One thing to be thankful about it I don't actually feel down or depressed. Actually quite the opposite this year. I know what you mean though, as you are aware I haven't always felt this good.
:)
Meaningful thoughts - thanks for sharing this, I loved that you followed my invitation!
Will be gone for two weeks to Ireland - will show up again after that :-)
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