The flip side

Have you ever noticed that there are seasons of fruitfulness and others where the tree is dormant? maybe it's full of leaves, but fruitless. This is only natural. A tree can't fruit all year long. On top of that its potential for fruit needs time, water, nutrients, sun.

It's not easy to see productivity and purpose when our soil is being turned, branches pruned and there's months (or years) on end of 'nothing' going on. We can be so fixated on outcomes and so unaware of the importance of the journey.

It came to me this morning. As real as my hunger for God and my own inability are, how can I know His fruiting schedule, or presume to tell Him when fruit should be evident in my life? In all honesty what do I have to complain about anyway. There seems to be leaves sprouting everywhere right now....

* I'm building a house with God's blessing
* There seems to be a purpose for my home because rather than erring on the side of caution in relation to size and mortgage repayments as would seem wise, I felt encouraged to extend myself
* I belong to a church that have accepted me despite my 'spoil brat'ish behaviour.
* The desire to foster young people again is growing week by week and there are already others sensing some leading to support me by offering to train as respite carers.

How it will all pan out is still unknown, but at least there's a flip side to the struggle. Maybe one day I'll be so engrossed again in loving kids around me and trying not to stress about how to meet their needs, that my own will be easier left to God.

Who knows, the emergency chocolate biscuits might even start lasting long enough to make it to home group!! Read more!

Journal entries from 1997

Who knows why I've had the urge to post here. Sometimes I want the world to know, but no one in particular. While I might feel a bit antsy about it, there's something biblical about the fact that my only TWO 'readers' are road sharers though! :)

Anyway, I was folding the clothes tonight sensing that God was wanting a bit of honest time with me. Barely a minute went by before I got snotty and stormed off to get my journals so I could 'prove' to Him that I had nothing new to say. It's all been said in a hundred different ways over 20 or more years of my life. In the first 20 pages of the first of the journals I picked up I read it. The entries I read take up a fair chuck of space but I just want to prove my point. Keep in mind that though the words were written 12 years ago I could have been writing them over the last few days.

1997 JOURNAL ENTRIES

23 February 1997

One of the recurring problems in my life is my lack of self-control – it’s a fruit of the spirit!! My mind has been caught up in confusion again and I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. Will there ever be consistency in my life?!! I am always going to the quick fix or instant gratification. I’m so sick of myself I find it hard in times like this to talk to God about any of it, let alone take the necessary steps to change.

As I wrote the first sentence about self-control as a gift of the spirit I was reminded that it comes back to living in the spirit and choosing God. I feel an aggressive resistance and wonder, even know, I need to stand against the enemy sometime. How I let myself fall for the same attack strategies time after time, I don’t know.

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

(This is what I sensed God saying to me at the time... boy did I shed a few tears reading it tonight. I so want it to be true and possible!)

Living in the spirit is to abide in me – it’s the sharing of responsibility. When you are weak, I am strong. I know your greatest weakness, the depth of it, and I love you. To get the job done we have to work together.

In your sin you have become hard and, yes, the enemy has even recognised and taken advantage of your weaknesses and sin, but I have overcome him and make a higher claim. Accept all I've done for you, stand beside me, and in my authority we will subdue him that comes against you.

It can be done! I am about my work and do provide you with all you need so that we can work together. The division of labour is clear in my word, read it and obey! Don’t let obedience be a word that puts fear in your heart because it is a word I will teach you to understand in your spirit. You are confused now but there will come a time when you will teach others what it means to obey.

Read to understand in your spirit. Previously you have known in your head, but you will learn in your spirit truth that will change your heart. It will no longer be a playground for the enemy but a garden for my spirit to delight in. Rest in me and be anxious for nothing – recognise that I have responsibilities that are not left undone. Yours is simply to come to me, to trust that I will do in your heart what needs to be done.


3 March 1997

Proverbs 29:18
NIV “Without a vision the people perish”
NKJV “Where there is no revelation (prophetic vision) the people cast off restraint”

In the concordance ‘vision’ is fairly straight forward. ‘Perish’, on the other hand, is more detailed. The primitive root; to loosen, by implication to expose, dismiss. Fig. absolve, begin, avenge, avoid, bare, go back, (make) naked, set at naught, perish, refuse, uncover.

This is the only time this Hebrew word is used

“My Utmost For His Highest” (Oswald Chambers) is concentrating on vision at the moment. So I have been talking to God. It seems I depend on my idea of marriage for my vision. It's not a healthy one.

I've also been considering how much our ability to capture vision is formed through up-bringing and how much of it is just part of who we are - the old nature nurture issue. Am I stuck with this limited sense of vision I have or can I grow it? It feels like it could be easy to dive for and try to capture vision like some kind of immunisation. Somehow I don't think that's how it works.


Mon 22 September 1997

I don’t read the bible or pray, though God is at the centre of many of my thoughts and plans. I am cold to him in many ways but still have the deep anchor holding me somehow. There is so much to break down; unbelief, independence, rebellion, the hard heart. I don’t know how He will get through but I have to believe He can because I can't.

It’s such a deep ache and feeling of brokenness that when I speak about it I find it hard to get the meaning of my words across. I really have had to learn not to LIVE IN this state all the time. Afterall, there are things to be grateful for and areas in my life where God is as evident as I could hope Him to be.

I want to relearn what Fatherhood means. While I’m enthusiastic, I’m also cautious. These lessons haven’t been learnt very quickly so far, or I am just missing something repeatedly... repeatedly.... rep...


Thursday 18 December 1997

I am sure that this unending hunger to find what is missing has to have a conclusion. So I will keep seeking, as best I can, as painful as it may be, as long as it takes, as blind and helpless as I feel. Greater is He!! Read more!

Howdy Kristy!

Seeing as you're the only one reading my 'irregular' journal at the moment, I figured I may as well write you a dedicated post. Did you know you're standing between me and the unknownesphere? Darn Google Reader! Read more!

Out of the ordinary

I don't post to this blog any more and I don't write poetry either. For the same reasons really. Out of me, they're pretentious. By the time I've strung sentences together about myself, what I'm thinking, doing, planning, experiencing, the self-absorbedness of the whole thing makes me feel nauseated.

But now and then I just write. When something writes itself without me having to think much, it can offer some release. Kind of like when you throw up during a migraine!... but hopefully not as messy!! :)


Hidden

Something inside
But nowhere to let it out?
Too much to hide
More than I’m settled on
There’s got to be
A rainbow somewhere
Hiding
Hiding

More than enough
Quietly waiting
Slowly opening
Placed in the ordinary
Spaces between, light, dark
And somewhere
Hiding
Hiding

What do you see?
Does it matter anyway?
I’m not where they are
Just have to be me
Cause holding a space
As anyone else is
Hiding
Hiding

Something inside
But no way to let it out?
Hold it beside
Your grief for your innocence
Black is the heart
That dies in that moment
Hiding
Hiding

Just hold on to the rain that comes in your dreams
Soak in the love you know somewhere deep
Taken inside
Tucked safe and clean
Know
Your not hidden there
But seen Read more!

Spinning woman

I've been having so much fun the last few days checking out sites on StubleUpon. I won't bore you with all I've come across, but just check this one out!

Make sure you read the blurb under the spinning woman and give it a very close look for a decent length of time. If most of my year 11 Psych class can see her spin both ways I'm sure that most of us can. And if you're really curious to know what's going on it's all about brain lateralisation.... google that! The brain is an interesting thing!

And for those who are really keen, here's some of the best of my list...... And here is the rest of it.

Something that just a bit looks spectacular
Oddities
The best online typing practice program I've found
Postcards with a difference

Read more!

Mind, migraines, memory and me

I'm telling some stories about my life today, some things that are painful and mysterious in more ways than one. Mostly because I'm on a journey of discovery amidst it all and am interested in keeping track of the answers I come by and the experiences that shape that future. Be warned, it's a long one....

****

Story No 1

One of the biggest challenges I've had as an individual and as an employee is problems with memory and concentration. Before I was asked to leave my first office job the boss called me into his office to ask if I'd been sexually abused. An interesting conclusion, but he couldn't think of any other reason why someone who scored so high in the company intelligence test, desgined to weed out the dingbats at interview, could be so dumb and prone to so many weird little errors in simple everyday tasks.

By the time I'd worked my way through another few office jobs I realised something needed to be done so I got on the phone for a few hours and found a psychologist who seemed to know what she was talking about. After nearly 4 hours of intelliegence testing she confirmed that no, I didn't lack intelligence but infact, was in the 96 - 98 percentile for logic, problem solving and spacial intelligence. The trouble was my memory, which sat around the 40 percentile. She noticed that I have unusual ways of problem solving, which probably doesn't help with encoding.

At the time I was only interested in what I could possibly do for a living. So, on her recommendation I went to uni and picked something that wouldn't rely specifically on memory. After a Psychology degree I finished up in education. Getting the highest GPA in my course was a real boost, but even then I knew it wouldn't go anywhere near compensating for my deficits. I can't say teaching is ideal for someone in my position but I'm still doing it and giving it my best.

****

Story No 2

I've had migraines since I started high school. They were always the same till I started taking regular medication. I'd get an aura that started in the middle of both eyes and worked its way out to the edges of my eye sight over a half hour period. Then I'd start to feel the headache coming on, and 45 minutes or so after that I'd fell nauseus and start vomiting, grateful every time for the few minutes of relief it brought from the pain.

Fortunately, after a few hours of bouncing around in the dark between my pillow and my bucket I'd sleep the rest off and wake-up later feeling floaty and free.

In my late 20's I had a particularly bad patch of migraines. A crazy Persian doctor friend of mine was called over at all hours of the day and night to inject me with pain relief and I began to wonder what kind of future I had bailed up in my bed. Another migraine sufferer told me about a new drug she was trying, so I started on Propranolol, a drug used to control high blood pressure. Apparently it dilates the blood vessles in the brain, preventing the contriction thought to bring on migraines. I can't imagine what the last ten years would have been like without it, but I'm srarting to wonder if all the niggly headaches and eye disturbances that never end up in a full blown migraine are still dripping away at the corners of my mind, erroding the everyday skills that we take for granted

Tonight I actually decided to move away from the possibilities I've been throwing around in my head for the past few years and have a look at what medical research is saying about the impact of migraines on the brain.

And here's what I've found....



The structure of the brain changes in those who have migraines. They also have a thicker cortex than those who don't. With visual and sensory symptoms comes a greater risk of stoke as some medical people are saying migraines themselves are a transient or mini stroke.

On top of this good news female migrain sufferers are two times more likely to devlop deep white matter lesions than the 'normal' population.

15% of people who get migraines know they're coming because of the aura, visual symptoms like that which I mentioned earlier in my story. This may be a "Cortical Spreading Depression" which passes through the brain like a wave, in effect putting its lights out and preventing neurons (brain cells) from firing. It's may not only be causing the aura and the pain but swelling in the brain which then in turn starve brain cell of oxygen leaving them damaged and less able to communicate with eachother to pass messages around the brain.

So, it's no suprise to me that many researchers believe that... migraines may cause brain damage .There seem to be quite a few studies that indicate migraineurs have deficiencies with tasks involving attention, verbal ability and memory.

I guess as with most research there's always exceptions, I found those too. According to this researcher, I might be one of the lucky ones and be protected against memory loss after 50 because I've had migraines most of my life.

I'd love to find the answer to all this, but in some ways I can see that even if I did, there wouldn't be much I could do about it anyway. I'd still have to manage migraines, deal with the implications of not remembering students names and forgetting exam supervision twice in in two days.

In the end you just have to marvel at the mystery that is this body God made us and get mad about the sin in this world that sends this finely tuned instrument into disharmony in so many different ways. There's no doubt I'd like answers and cures. I hope science works something out what's going on. But I do know that one day it will all be made right. It will be a great day when I'm free of that sinking feeling in my stomach that I can't remember the next word I'm trying to get out of my mouth.

Read more!

Family: can't live with 'em, can't live with out 'em

I'm in Adelaide for the weekend at the expense of the department of education. The next lot of Intel training has come at a good time cause I can now be here for some birthday's, Dad's and mine.

We nearly didn't spend tomorrow together though. Tonight there was a little accident... the laptop Dad's taken responsibility for as treasurer of his brass band fell off the recliner and landed on the mouse USB connection point, pulling it all out of wack. Boy did Dad hit the roof. I won't got too far into it, except to say that it was ugly and I wasn't in a state of mind to deal with it.

While he stormed off somewhere I packed. Dragging my bag out to the living room I explained to Mum that I'd sleep at my best friends place and catch up with her for breakfast as planned. Before gathering my things together and dashing out the door before Dad came back, I frantically rushed around to organise Dad's present wrapping so I could at least leave him a reminder that I love him.

Mum was upset as you can imagine, but she only shows it through her pacing and exasperated sighs. While I was writing Dad's name on his envelope and Mum was looking on morbidly, she suddenly sparked up and said...

"It's going to be a bit hard to go anywhere without a car isn't it Jo?"

Yes, I was about to make my big exit and leave Dad to stew, completely forgetting that important detail. I flew to Adelaide this visit.

Mum and I laughed till we cried and I got a coughing fit and asthma induced breathlessness just to really render me speachless. When Dad wandered in to find out what all the noise was about I couldn't even tell him.

So, I'm still here. And Dad has cooled down. Once I'd had my puffer, my laughing turned into a few tears and we had a more sensible talk about the practicalities of getting the damage I'd made fixed. Despite my earlier resolve I'm glad I didn't have my car here tonight.
Read more!