Who knows why I've had the urge to post here. Sometimes I want the world to know, but no one in particular. While I might feel a bit antsy about it, there's something biblical about the fact that my only TWO 'readers' are road sharers though! :)
Anyway, I was folding the clothes tonight sensing that God was wanting a bit of honest time with me. Barely a minute went by before I got snotty and stormed off to get my journals so I could 'prove' to Him that I had nothing new to say. It's all been said in a hundred different ways over 20 or more years of my life. In the first 20 pages of the first of the journals I picked up I read it. The entries I read take up a fair chuck of space but I just want to prove my point. Keep in mind that though the words were written 12 years ago I could have been writing them over the last few days.
1997 JOURNAL ENTRIES
23 February 1997
One of the recurring problems in my life is my lack of self-control – it’s a fruit of the spirit!! My mind has been caught up in confusion again and I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. Will there ever be consistency in my life?!! I am always going to the quick fix or instant gratification. I’m so sick of myself I find it hard in times like this to talk to God about any of it, let alone take the necessary steps to change.
As I wrote the first sentence about self-control as a gift of the spirit I was reminded that it comes back to living in the spirit and choosing God. I feel an aggressive resistance and wonder, even know, I need to stand against the enemy sometime. How I let myself fall for the same attack strategies time after time, I don’t know.
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(This is what I sensed God saying to me at the time... boy did I shed a few tears reading it tonight. I so want it to be true and possible!)
Living in the spirit is to abide in me – it’s the sharing of responsibility. When you are weak, I am strong. I know your greatest weakness, the depth of it, and I love you. To get the job done we have to work together.
In your sin you have become hard and, yes, the enemy has even recognised and taken advantage of your weaknesses and sin, but I have overcome him and make a higher claim. Accept all I've done for you, stand beside me, and in my authority we will subdue him that comes against you.
It can be done! I am about my work and do provide you with all you need so that we can work together. The division of labour is clear in my word, read it and obey! Don’t let obedience be a word that puts fear in your heart because it is a word I will teach you to understand in your spirit. You are confused now but there will come a time when you will teach others what it means to obey.
Read to understand in your spirit. Previously you have known in your head, but you will learn in your spirit truth that will change your heart. It will no longer be a playground for the enemy but a garden for my spirit to delight in. Rest in me and be anxious for nothing – recognise that I have responsibilities that are not left undone. Yours is simply to come to me, to trust that I will do in your heart what needs to be done.
3 March 1997
Proverbs 29:18
NIV “Without a vision the people perish”
NKJV “Where there is no revelation (prophetic vision) the people cast off restraint”
In the concordance ‘vision’ is fairly straight forward. ‘Perish’, on the other hand, is more detailed. The primitive root; to loosen, by implication to expose, dismiss. Fig. absolve, begin, avenge, avoid, bare, go back, (make) naked, set at naught, perish, refuse, uncover.
This is the only time this Hebrew word is used
“My Utmost For His Highest” (Oswald Chambers) is concentrating on vision at the moment. So I have been talking to God. It seems I depend on my idea of marriage for my vision. It's not a healthy one.
I've also been considering how much our ability to capture vision is formed through up-bringing and how much of it is just part of who we are - the old nature nurture issue. Am I stuck with this limited sense of vision I have or can I grow it? It feels like it could be easy to dive for and try to capture vision like some kind of immunisation. Somehow I don't think that's how it works.
Mon 22 September 1997
I don’t read the bible or pray, though God is at the centre of many of my thoughts and plans. I am cold to him in many ways but still have the deep anchor holding me somehow. There is so much to break down; unbelief, independence, rebellion, the hard heart. I don’t know how He will get through but I have to believe He can because I can't.
It’s such a deep ache and feeling of brokenness that when I speak about it I find it hard to get the meaning of my words across. I really have had to learn not to LIVE IN this state all the time. Afterall, there are things to be grateful for and areas in my life where God is as evident as I could hope Him to be.
I want to relearn what Fatherhood means. While I’m enthusiastic, I’m also cautious. These lessons haven’t been learnt very quickly so far, or I am just missing something repeatedly... repeatedly.... rep...
Thursday 18 December 1997
I am sure that this unending hunger to find what is missing has to have a conclusion. So I will keep seeking, as best I can, as painful as it may be, as long as it takes, as blind and helpless as I feel. Greater is He!!
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